Sunday, October 19, 2008

Ichiro being chippy

Ichiro has already made some semi insulting remarks about Korea. Now he proves he's really got a chip on his shoulder when it comes to the country where I was born. When he mentions "revenge for Beijing" he's clearly talking about Korea, team that beat Japan twice in that event (2008 Beijing Olympic Games) and went on to with the gold medal against Cuba in a close game.

Ichiro, stop worrying about Korea and concentrate on improving these freaking Mariners!

TB Rays in the World Series!!

I'm so very happy that the Rays are in the World Series. They have a payroll just a tad bigger than A-Rod's annual salary, they were one of the worst teams in MLB last season and now they're close to winning it all. It's a very feel good story.

In Brazil they used to say something like "cumming with someone else's dick" for a situation like this. But I, a Mariners fan, almost lost my voice rooting for the Rays.

Dating Korean men

It seems to me that women dating Korean men attribute most of their relationship problems to the ethnicity of their partners. It's as if we Korean guys have so much baggage related to our motherland that it's impossible to overcome the obstacles imposed by our Korean blood. Well, I have news for you, ladies. It's not that simple.

The Korean wrote a very nice piece about it and it's worth reading to any girl out there trying to keep her Korean boyfriend or husband. You will notice he emphasizes the point that Korean men are not that much different from any other type of men and that we are men before we are Koreans. I second that, just adding that we Korean men are way hotter and better in bed than anybody else. "Me love you long time" is something that should be said by Korean men and not Asian hookers, at least that's what the girls who had the joy of sleeping with one of us keep telling me. "Once you have kimchi", they add, "you will always want more kimchi". "That's kinda lame...", I complain and then they just mention something about not being polite to talk with their mouths full and keep doing what they were doing.

Out of my characteristic generosity though, I have some additional words for those girls out there who are in relationships with Korean men.

We, like any other men, are selfish pricks who think mostly about sex. Whenever we meet your girl pals we will be mentally evaluating their bodies and giving them grades between fuckable and unfuckable. We will also be fantasizing about a threesome, involving us and two of your hottest friends, maybe with you filming it and giving them tips on how to please us best.

We're insecure, so any male friend of yours will be seen as a potential competitor. And please, please, if you've slept with more than two guys before you met us, please lie about it and say it was only one. And don't forget to mention how much better we are in bed.

We're liars too so don't go looking for a ruler when we mention something about six inches. The distance between the tip of the thumb and the tip of the index finger should perfectly illustrate what six inches are.


We like sports, so please try to keep the noise to a minimum while we're watching TV. If you have to use the vacuum cleaner in the room where the TV set is, please do it after we're done with it and taking a nap after all those beers you silently brought us from the kitchen.

Now, with all joking aside, some serious advice:

Be aware that Korean guys are way more serious about being Korean than our sisters. I believe Korean women have more courage and therefore they may date and fall in love with non-Korean men more easily. But for us it's a lot more difficult to be thrown in such a cultural mix. If you feel (even slightly) that he's a little reluctant in being seen with you in public places (specially those in which other Koreans are likely to be present) do confront him right away. He may not be ready for a serious relationship.

If he's introduced you to his Korean friends and family, that's a better sign. But don't stand still. Try to get to know more of his friends and family. The better your relationship with those people is, the better your relationship with your partner will be.

And for last, his mother. Don't be afraid of his mother. Remember she's like a pitbull terrier, her reputation and barks are way worse than the reality. Come on, who would be scared of the woman below?


Remember it's likely she went through a lot of hard work to raise your man and therefore she rightly demands some well earned respect. She won't be easy to deal with at all. Korean women (specially your man's mother) have this incredible ability to say stuff that can be very hurtful if you take it the wrong way. But if you wanna do the crime (take this man away from her) you will have to do the time. Some people may advise you to learn some Korean (in the case she doesn't speak your language) or that you should show nothing but respect for her. I call shenanigans on that.

First, the language thing. If you live in Korea then yes, maybe it would be wise to learn some Korean, even if you're not dating a local man. But how in the hell should you learn such a difficult language if you don't live in that country? It's very easy to learn how to read hangul, you can do that in one day. But what good is reading if you don't know what that sound means? So, fuck that. Forget about learning Korean and concentrate on other things.

Second, the respect. You should respect your man's mother (and everybody else in his family) but please don't fall in the trap of becoming her little pet. If you agree with everything she wants or demands she will have no respect whatsoever for you. Show your respect for sure (respect for older people is an extremely important part of Korean culture) but establish some limits. If you say yes to everything then you're doomed. Don't be a kiss ass.

Instead, try to develop your own relationship with her. Treat her with respect but as an equal. Listen respectfully to her advices, consider them seriously. But if you disagree with some points you should definitely make it clear what your opinions are.

I know she will want to be a meaningful part in your life as a couple so allow her to do that. Invite her over for dinner, ask her to go shopping with you, cook for her and with her. Talk to her about her son, ask questions about her experiences. No, it's not easy, but in the end she's a woman just like you. She will understand.

The worst thing to do regarding your potential Korean mother in law is to internalize your feelings. If you keep everything inside you will go crazy. Complaining to your Korean man won't help much because Korean men are very sensitive when it comes to their mothers. It's got nothing to do with his love for you. He will probably try to explain his mother's point of view and we all know that will be disastrous.

So if you have something to say, say it to her. Very respectfully, of course, but do it. With time, things will get easier. Specially if you follow my advice and become her friend.

Thank you

I'd like to express my sincere thanks to all those who've been reading this blog and sending me messages. Whoever and wherever you are, I hope my posts will at least entertain you.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

From consumer to supplier

When my wife got pregnant I was hoping for a boy. Images of me and a little kid playing catch in the backyard or eating hot-dogs at a Mariners game started to fill my mind. When he grows older, I thought, maybe we could share a beer from time to time and he would ask me questions about life and stuff. Later in life, well, maybe it would be his time to take me to Mariners games.

But it turned out to be a girl. I didn't show any disappointment to my wife, but I confess the feeling was there. After wishing for a boy for a few months, the fact that it was a girl took me by surprise and I needed sometime to get used to the idea. I had to come to peace with the notion that instead of shopping for bats and gloves I would be looking for Barbies and kitchen sets for Christmas.

When my daughter was born, though, none of that mattered. Call it paternal instinct or whatever but at the very first moment I laid my eyes on that little baby girl I knew my life had taken a complete new meaning. Somebody told me once that we only know what real love is when we have kids and I'm inclined to think that's true. My daughter changed me completely.

And after a while the realization was clear. I was way happier with a daughter than I'd ever be with a son. The way girls look at you, or the way they jump at you when you come home from work, all the kissing and cuddling, it's amazing stuff. I realized that a great part in wishing for a son had to do with traditional lines of thinking instead of my personal views or preferences. You see it all the time in several cultures (Korean included), whenever a woman gets pregnant everybody hopes it's a boy.


Remember Luca Brasi? Before sleeping with the fishes he expresses deep wishes that Don Vito's daughter's first child be a masculine child. Or something like that. And when Michael Corleone gets news of his wife's miscarriage the first thing he asks is if it was a boy. So even in this thing our ours (well, theirs), the desire for a son is a deep rooted tradition.

I've done some writing about this before but I've had my share of punani in the past. I even think I may have got some from other people's shares. Some of my friends, in one instance or another, witnessed all that and the end result is that my reputation got bloated beyond proportion and is, at least when it comes to dealing with the women folk, not very flattering. And when they found out we were having a girl it wasn't surprising to hear jokes about it. The following were actual words said or written by some of my best friends and I will discuss them individually.

(1) So you're going from consumer to supplier?
Believe it or not, this was the most popular one and was used by both men and women. I don't have anything to say about it except that most of my friends are from Brazil and there is a clear and present element of misogyny in that country, evidenced by the exposition of several female body parts (nor disassembled nor bloody, of course) in the media. By the way, I would imagine that objectifying women is a cultural trace shared by other Latin countries like Mexico, Italy or Spain.

(2) Now God will make you pay for all your wrong doings.
This one was used by friends with a sense of karma. The same ones who would say stuff like "You pay in life for what you do in life" (I don't know if my free translation adequately relates the meaning of the Brazilian saying). Brazilians have a close relationship with God and He is invoked frequently in several different situations. Professional athletes often credit God after a good performance and He is also the one who brings punishment to Brazilian kids who don't behave. These friends were sorta insinuating God would transfer punishment to my daughter for my supposedly wrong doings with girls.

(3) Aren't you afraid she may meet a guy just like you?
This was the one that made me think the most. It made me think about what I want for my daughter but also made me evaluate my past a little bit. My conclusion about my daughter is that I don't worry a bit about who she meets in the future. I know she will be capable of taking care of herself. She is such a smart girl and she will be able to judge by herself what's right or wrong. And of course, some bumps along the way will only help make her stronger. I'm as loving as any parent out there but I don't see myself as someone who will always tell her what to do. I have complete confidence in my daughter because I have complete confidence in my capacity of raising her well.

Gee, it sounds I'm a little overconfident, huh?

The evaluation of my past will have to wait for another post. I'll probably write about it (or not, I'm not sure if it's interesting enough) but I'd like to finish this one with a thought. We all know there's a double standard when it comes to promiscuous boys and girls. If a guy sleeps with a lot of women he is cool and all that, but if a girl does the same thing she is a slut. On the other hand, there's also the idea that when a guy sleeps with a girl he is taking advantage of her. There's a tendency to victimize the girl and vilify the guy.

In some cultures (Brazilian and Korean, for instance), when you say "I ate her" it means "I fucked her". The idea of aggressor and victim is obviously present. Why is that? Why is the sex act an act of aggression? And why is that women are the victims most of the times?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Love part II: Brief MK story

In this post, I had written about MK, the first girl I fell in love with. Well, this is the story of how destiny gave me at least a small reward for all those years of unreciprocated love.

When I say unreciprocated it kinda sounds like she rejected me, but it was even more pathetic than that. I never told her how I felt and she probably never suspected anything. We were friends and that was all. Actually I don't even know if she considered me a friend. I was about one year younger than her and since girls mature at a faster pace than boys she probably saw me as a little brother. That's a Korean thing.

It was my first year in college and I hadn't seen or talked to MK for a long time. I was actually already interested in the girl I would fall for and date for a while (KK) but we hadn't hooked up yet. Well, I ran into MK in a club where Korean-Brazilian students were gathered for their "first-years introduction yearly party", or whatever it was the excuse older male students had to make to get to know the newest crop of young girls. MK was a sophomore in another school and she looked prettier than I ever remembered.

My feelings for her didn't come back like in romantic comedies. As I said before I already had KK in my mind. But I was still a man. And everybody knows men are like every male in any species in nature. We want to spread the joy to as many females as we can. More than that though, I think I wanted to prove to myself I could have her if I wanted to.

I asked her to dance a slow one and she said yes. I don't remember what we talked about during that dance, but I remember I had an erection (no, I'm not a pervert, but come on, 18 year old boys will get a boner if they hug a light pole). She was nice enough not to say anything (Is that an anaconda in your pants or are you just happy to see me?) about my overexcited buddy and by the end of the song we were making out.

It feels like this story is building up to a night of passionate love or at least a quickie in the club restroom but none of that happened. We retreated to a quiet corner of the club and kissed some more and that was it. The kissing was great, she had these thick lips and it was great to finally kiss her, after all those years wanting to do it.

I don't know if I was too innocent or if I was too into KK, but I never pursued anything more with MK after that night. A few months later I was happily dating KK and loving every moment of it (although she was - and still is, according to what they tell me - a bitch).

But that night with MK was special because it transformed me. I made my bones that night. From then on I knew I could close a girl if I wanted to. And that knowledge would change my life completely.

Short comments:

(1) KK was also in the club that night. I'm starting to look real bad here.

(2) I realize this post is very misogynistic. I'm talking about girls as if they were objects. Well, I hate to break it to any girl out there but that's how guys feel and talk when you're not around.

(3) Why am I using initials instead of their real names? It's not likely they will ever read this.

(4) Since then I changed a lot. I am now a happily married man and proud father of a 4 year old girl.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Being a sports fan in the Northwest

When Americans find out I've spent most of my life in Brazil, the first thing they ask about is soccer (the second being if I speak Spanish, which I do, you ignorant asshole, but it's not the language they speak in that country). Well, let me tell you something about soccer in Brazil.

Before anything else let's make one thing clear, it's not "soccer", dummy, it's called football because it's a sport played with the feet for about 99% of the time (unlike American football). And it's not only a sport. It's a religion. It's passion. Like one famous journalist once said, "Football is the most important thing amongst non-important things."

Everybody in Brazil has a team for which he or she will almost die for. There are several reasons why one may choose one team over another (parents and immediate family have a big influence on this) but that choice is made early in life and once made, it almost never changes.

Unlike the USA, large cities in Brazil have more than one professional football team in the major league (I will call it that because I don't want to get into the subject any deeper than it already is, discussing the division system and national and local championships). And cities like Sao Paulo (where I used to live) and Rio de Janeiro (the most beautiful place in the world if not for the dirty motherfucking slums growing like a cancer in the beautiful nature) have as many as four teams in the majors at the same time.

This leads to exacerbated rivalries within the same city and, of course, one's attachment to the team is made stronger by the proximity of rivals. Therefore, every football fan in Brazil is a passionate one. One whose mood depends a lot on the weekend football results. Their relationship with their loved team is like the one with their significant others. It's love, hate, happiness and sadness, all together, sometimes in the same match.

My team was Palmeiras, the greatest team in Brazilian history. I remember I cried like a baby when we won the Sao Paulo State Championship after 17 years without any titles. The icing on the cake was that the final match was against Corinthians, historically our most hated rival. I also cried when Palmeiras won the South American Championship in 1999. It was a wonderful game against some team from Colombia and everybody who wasn't a Palmeiras fan was rooting for the Colombians.


Even from far away, I regularly follow how my dear Palmeiras is doing. Of course I don't have the same intensity but I still get happy when they win a game, or when Corinthians or Sao Paulo (the favorite team for douche bags) lose a match.

When in Rome though...

In the Seattle area for about 7 years now, I got hooked on baseball and football (the American one). And, lucky me, the Mariners suck ever since I got here and the Seahawks, well, they're starting to suck now. Actually, I understand the only team to bring a title to Seattle were the Sonics, in 1979 (almost 30 years ago!), but to me that doesn't count much, since (a) I couldn't give a rat's ass about basketball and (b) the Sonics moved to Oklahoma last year.

Back in 2006, in SuperBowl XL, I remember telling my buddies that we should really enjoy the moment since it could be the last time in our lives we'd ever see a Seattle team in such situation. I wasn't that serious at that time but if I think about it, the possibility seems very real. The Cubs haven't won a World Series in 100 years, the Red Sox's drought lasted 86 years. It is very possible that I might not see the Mariners or the Seahawks win it all until I die!

In my opinion, we the fans are also to be blamed for the mediocrity that has victimized Seattle professional sports for such a long time. It's like we don't care. The Mariners can be 20 games out of the first place in July and the fans keep going to Safeco Field and singing "Take me out to the ball game" every 7th inning stretch, with a smile in their faces. I'm tempted to give the Seahawks a pass since they've at least been to the Super Bowl, but the Mariners just lost 100 games with a 100 million payroll! And people keep smiling! Whenever the Moose shows up in the stands at the ball park, children go and hug him and the proud parents take pictures, while drinking their $7 a bottle crappy beer. What's the reason for so much happiness??

That would never happen in Brazil, that would never happen with Palmeiras fans. Yes, we spent 17 years without a title, but those years were like hell for every player, coach or anybody who had anything to do with managing the team. We the fans let them know every game that we wouldn't accept such foolishness. We would protest in the stands, we would protest in the training centers, we would make sure they knew we were unhappy. And, I believe the percentage of Palmeiras fans decreased a lot during those years. Less fans, less revenue, it was something that everybody understood.

Sometimes, specially after a loss, the fans got so pissed off that physical altercation was iminent and the players and staff had to be protected by bodyguards to make it safely out of the ball park. Had Palmeiras had a mascot like the Moose during those years, probably that would be a very hard position to fill because people would be scared to death of being beaten up.

I'm not advocating violence here. I'm just asking Seattle sports fans to care a little bit more. As I see it, we're all pussies and this pussification is affecting our teams, mainly the Mariners. We should demand more because we deserve more. No more smiling when the team loses, not more Moose pictures, no more nicknames ending in "ie" or "y" (Jamie, Danny, Willie, Ichy, Yunny, Josie and I remember Dave Niehaus once addressing Richie Sexson as Sexie), no more singing "Take me out to the ball game" until they give us a ring!

By the way, we should get rid of Dave Niehaus and Rick Rizzs. Get us some hardcore announcers, people who will curse every time the team loses and criticize bad performance. Stop trying to see the positive side of everything (like Ichiro's 264 hits amidst another horrible season) and point out the mediocrity of our beloved Mariners.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Parenting

When I was a kid, my parents loved to say things like "When you have your own kids, you will understand" or "I hope your kids do the same things you're doing now so you will know how we feel." Of course this last one was reserved for moments when I actually screwed up bad, which happened a few more times then I care to remember.

I know Korean parents tend to be more dramatic but the funny thing is now I have a kid and now I understand. Well, she's only four and still can't go FUBAR on us. So far, everything she does is beautiful and we love every moment of it, but I still can see some traces of what I'm about to face in a few years.

For instance, when I was a kid I hated to go to bed. I'd stay up for hours after my bed time. Reading, watching TV or whatever it was that kept me awake. Sometimes my dad noticed the light under my door and crashed into my bedroom and urged me to sleep. Then I developed some other tactics to stay awake like, for instance, using a flashlight to read in bed, or squeezing a towel under my door so nobody would notice the lights were still on.

Well, my daughter hates to go to bed but since she goes to school twice a week we have to be strict in enforcing some sort of a bed time for her. It's a struggle every night and I have to ask her to "Please, go to sleep" several times before she finally does so.

One of these nights I caught her trying to fool me, coloring a book under her blankets, using a flashlight. I know it's all downhill from here...