Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dating Korean men

It seems to me that women dating Korean men attribute most of their relationship problems to the ethnicity of their partners. It's as if we Korean guys have so much baggage related to our motherland that it's impossible to overcome the obstacles imposed by our Korean blood. Well, I have news for you, ladies. It's not that simple.

The Korean wrote a very nice piece about it and it's worth reading to any girl out there trying to keep her Korean boyfriend or husband. You will notice he emphasizes the point that Korean men are not that much different from any other type of men and that we are men before we are Koreans. I second that, just adding that we Korean men are way hotter and better in bed than anybody else. "Me love you long time" is something that should be said by Korean men and not Asian hookers, at least that's what the girls who had the joy of sleeping with one of us keep telling me. "Once you have kimchi", they add, "you will always want more kimchi". "That's kinda lame...", I complain and then they just mention something about not being polite to talk with their mouths full and keep doing what they were doing.

Out of my characteristic generosity though, I have some additional words for those girls out there who are in relationships with Korean men.

We, like any other men, are selfish pricks who think mostly about sex. Whenever we meet your girl pals we will be mentally evaluating their bodies and giving them grades between fuckable and unfuckable. We will also be fantasizing about a threesome, involving us and two of your hottest friends, maybe with you filming it and giving them tips on how to please us best.

We're insecure, so any male friend of yours will be seen as a potential competitor. And please, please, if you've slept with more than two guys before you met us, please lie about it and say it was only one. And don't forget to mention how much better we are in bed.

We're liars too so don't go looking for a ruler when we mention something about six inches. The distance between the tip of the thumb and the tip of the index finger should perfectly illustrate what six inches are.


We like sports, so please try to keep the noise to a minimum while we're watching TV. If you have to use the vacuum cleaner in the room where the TV set is, please do it after we're done with it and taking a nap after all those beers you silently brought us from the kitchen.

Now, with all joking aside, some serious advice:

Be aware that Korean guys are way more serious about being Korean than our sisters. I believe Korean women have more courage and therefore they may date and fall in love with non-Korean men more easily. But for us it's a lot more difficult to be thrown in such a cultural mix. If you feel (even slightly) that he's a little reluctant in being seen with you in public places (specially those in which other Koreans are likely to be present) do confront him right away. He may not be ready for a serious relationship.

If he's introduced you to his Korean friends and family, that's a better sign. But don't stand still. Try to get to know more of his friends and family. The better your relationship with those people is, the better your relationship with your partner will be.

And for last, his mother. Don't be afraid of his mother. Remember she's like a pitbull terrier, her reputation and barks are way worse than the reality. Come on, who would be scared of the woman below?


Remember it's likely she went through a lot of hard work to raise your man and therefore she rightly demands some well earned respect. She won't be easy to deal with at all. Korean women (specially your man's mother) have this incredible ability to say stuff that can be very hurtful if you take it the wrong way. But if you wanna do the crime (take this man away from her) you will have to do the time. Some people may advise you to learn some Korean (in the case she doesn't speak your language) or that you should show nothing but respect for her. I call shenanigans on that.

First, the language thing. If you live in Korea then yes, maybe it would be wise to learn some Korean, even if you're not dating a local man. But how in the hell should you learn such a difficult language if you don't live in that country? It's very easy to learn how to read hangul, you can do that in one day. But what good is reading if you don't know what that sound means? So, fuck that. Forget about learning Korean and concentrate on other things.

Second, the respect. You should respect your man's mother (and everybody else in his family) but please don't fall in the trap of becoming her little pet. If you agree with everything she wants or demands she will have no respect whatsoever for you. Show your respect for sure (respect for older people is an extremely important part of Korean culture) but establish some limits. If you say yes to everything then you're doomed. Don't be a kiss ass.

Instead, try to develop your own relationship with her. Treat her with respect but as an equal. Listen respectfully to her advices, consider them seriously. But if you disagree with some points you should definitely make it clear what your opinions are.

I know she will want to be a meaningful part in your life as a couple so allow her to do that. Invite her over for dinner, ask her to go shopping with you, cook for her and with her. Talk to her about her son, ask questions about her experiences. No, it's not easy, but in the end she's a woman just like you. She will understand.

The worst thing to do regarding your potential Korean mother in law is to internalize your feelings. If you keep everything inside you will go crazy. Complaining to your Korean man won't help much because Korean men are very sensitive when it comes to their mothers. It's got nothing to do with his love for you. He will probably try to explain his mother's point of view and we all know that will be disastrous.

So if you have something to say, say it to her. Very respectfully, of course, but do it. With time, things will get easier. Specially if you follow my advice and become her friend.

17 comments:

Agashe said...

At some point you might be right.

I've been in a relationship with Korean man, he is so wonderful, gentle, kind yet sensitive with woman. Although he sometime very proud of himself and little bit self center, I believe he's a man of my dream.

Grew up in the USA since he was 6 y.o. made him more American than Korean, that's how I saw.
But of course his Korean side show sometime, when it comes to family value. He adore his mother so much at the same time highly respect with his father.
Previously married to an American woman made him difficult to hold his Korean culture, and his parents has high tolerance having daughter in-law from different background.

I, myself an Asian, but not Korean.
Being in a relationship with Korean man is really a challenging stage in my life.
Not much effort adjust myself with him, he respect me in any way, intellectually, personally as a woman.

At the end, I finally realize, its not about where he come from, Korean or not that matter.
The quality of a man speak for himself.
I realized the influence of his American environment and the traditional Korean values from his family, is what makes him a great wonderful man as he is today.

So people, do not judge the book by its cover!

Korean or not, if he is the one for you, he can be as wonderful as you want it to be.

my said...

the korean culture and the other asian (southeast) sound mostly similar. its like reading about korean culture is like reading about about my own culture's (where i come from all over south east asia) :)

Anonymous said...

Regards. Your blog is very interesting, even at this time i hate korean people, but I have reasons for that.

I dated a korean man for around 2 years. He decided to marry whit my in my country (mexico), but I decided to met his family before marry. I went to korea and his family oposite to our relationship from the begining (specially his mother and sister). The reason was cause I´m foregin, his sister told me that (even my skintone is pale white, similar than korean people, so I cant undestand his family...)

His sister never respect to me. Many times she loud her voice to me and one time she called me -niong- (you know, the korean word that means bitch or slut). His mother desagree whit our relationship from the begining. she makes me feel like a servant because all the time she forced me to clean the floor whit a cleaning clothe by my hands.... She was very upset all the time, never like my housework, anything of me.....strong faces to me all the time...

She was desagree that my boyfrend and me get marry. In the end, she decided to broken up our relationship and my exboyfriend leve me alone in korea...I had to sleep in a motel, but my friends help me....But This experiency is very painfull for me and all I want is forget...

In korea I met many latina women married whit korean men, and most of them has problems whit their husbands, many time becuse of the korean family. Even I met some of them that was suffering domestic violence, beating for their husbands...

But I really like your post. Many times you has the reason. Maybe my BIG problem was because I never establish limits to his family...But he decided to living whit them if we married, and then, he was very, very poor.

So, all the things I can say to no-korean women is not to marry or dating any korean man...cultural diferences are very strong. Koreans and no koreans are like water and oil....

sorry for my english writing. this is my thinking by my experience. hope you respect it...

Anonymous said...

In general, Koreans are impolite. If any Korean live abroad(western countries) for a while then it makes change otherwise they are typical narrow-minded Koreans. I do not understand why Korean girls proud about themself since their beauty is not natural but surgery. Sometimes Koreans individually polite but collectively rude.

Anonymous said...

Above comment left by a jealous little insecure troll. You wished you look like a Korean girl.
Afterall, aren't Koreans the stand ard of beauty in Asia. Look how popular anything Korea is in all Asia.
Korean culture used to be very closed to foreigners but now its pretty much accepted toward foreign wives.
1 out of 10 marriages now are with foreign women. That's a high figure. But I think you ladies would be better off with Korean American men.Better understand ing o both cultures, east and west.

Anonymous said...

I am a caucasian girl in love with a married Korean man. . .I never would have dated him but he chased me and made me fall in love with him. He fell in love with me too and whenever we were together, he thought I was beautiful, sweet, sexy, and seemed totally happy when we were together. His wife is not a nice woman. . .not nice to him or their daughter (and she's not pretty like I am). She looks bitter and mean. He told me he wanted to be with me but is pulling away because his culture is so strong he cannot leave his family here in the states. I was devestated when our relationship ended but in the end I had to let him go.

Anonymous said...

Can anyone tell me why Korean men are so confusing? I am also a caucasian girl dating a Korean man who's been in U.S. for awhile. To me, he's so sexy and cute and he doesn't love his wife either. He told me he wanted to be with me. Why do Asian relationships have so many problems (even when they're both Asian, it's problems). I am torn over my love for him and my sanity.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this informative and interesting post. I'm involve with a Korean man for 3 years now and he's a years younger than.Fortunately, I don't look my age either. People, young and old, wouldn't believe whenever I told them my real age. LOL~ Anyway, I'm a Filipina but not the typical Filipino women you might have encountered. I'm sad whenever I heard that most Korean men come to the Philippines for "physical release." And I couldn't blame that some Koreans think lowly of Filipino women..But I'm a realist enough that "it takes two to tango."
I've known a lot of Koreans since university and that was more than 15 years ago. I communicated with Koreans, young and old, everyday for the past 3 years.
I definitely agree with what you've posted here. Respect is truly important. I might also add, that if one wants to be respected, one should sincerely respect others as well. This doesn't only apply with one's relationship with your partner's family or friends but to all in general especially to oneself. A lot of women come running to their friends or families complaining about their spouse, bf, or partners' or their families' the behavior without reflecting their own behavior.

I don't want to go into details here, all I can say that when dealing with people of different background and culture, openness, understanding and respect are very important.

**By the way, my Korean man is really proud to introduce me to his friends, family and colleagues to the extent that it's quite embarrassing sometimes.~

Yuki said...

Please Help!
I am an American in college, and I am interested in a guy from South Korea who is a foreign exchange student at my university. We get along great and talk to each other a lot, but he hasn't been in the US long and he is still getting used to the different culture, where we show emotion for one another physically (i.e. hugging). He is only staying for one semester though. How do I tell him how I feel, and how long do I wait??

ksoje said...

Yuki,

it depends on what exactly you want from this relationship. He's staying for only one semester, so what does the future hold for you?

Is a 6 month fling gonna make you happy? Do you have more in mind?

KE

Yuki said...

I would like it to be more than a six month fling :) I can make arrangements to go to Korea if I have to, and if he wants to he can extend his stay.

I just want to make sure that I don't do anything to immediately turn him off/push him away. And from everything I've been told, especially by my roommate (she's from S.Korea) showing affection is almost taboo. She doesn't seem to feel I've done anything wrong so far...but I don't know.

ksoje said...

Yuki,

if I were you, I'd just go with my instincts. As far as I know, showing affection is not "taboo" to Koreans. Maybe your roommate meant showing affection in public?

Just be honest, and smart. I'm convinced you'll be able to figure out for yourself if he likes you or not and what his intentions are. Talk to him.

Now, being brutally honest, chances are stacked against you. God luck, though.

KE

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

The blog was a lot more spot on then you might think. Speaking from experience and vast amounts of anecdotal and statistical evidence (just read this link) etd.lsu.edu/docs/available/etd-0401102-130106/.../Ahn_dis.pdf

Korean men are notoriously selfish, arrogant, self centred, dishonest, narcissistic...I could go on. And they will trick you by seeming really really nice at first, and you will hear their ridiculously sexist remarks and think they are joking when actually this is how they really think!

Don't risk your life and waste your time girls!

Anonymous said...

Wow! The last poster seemed very bitter. I myself am a Korean American raised and educated in the US, but I must say all the anti-Korean men sentiments are pretty much what all angry women say about men in general. Sounds very narrow minded, me thinks. Like the racist and sexist shit we minorities are bombarded with on a regular basis. Walk in the shoes of an Asian man for a day in America and then talk. I'm sure you have many racist family/friends in your circle to know where I"m coming from. they say We're great doctors, attorneys, academics, and neighbors, etc., but not good people or husbands and fathers. Huh? WTF! Racism, ignorance, fear, and oppression at work. Just be yourselves and go lynch an innocent man or child, burn a cross, and worship your devil. It's what your mamas and daddys did. And probably wish they could still do. Unless they're in bama or mississippi. Just sayin' LOL

Anonymous said...

I have dated two Korean men in recent years. The bad news were that they were all married and had kids. In my eyes, they were fun with and seemed care about me sometimes but not full heartly. From my experiences, I concluded, these two guys shared the same mental traits since they both were born in Korea coming to the USA, at the age of 25,where they had been educated and lived in here for almost 30 years. However, they did act simiarly because they lied and stated they were either separated or divorced from their wives. I found out that they were still legally married to their spouses. In my conclusion, Korean guys are loyal friends that is all about it.

Anonymous said...

I've just started dating a Korean man for a month now. It just took 2 weeks to date since we know each other. He lives in other part of my country (different island and different city). We only met about three times a year.
So far, I must agree with comments above that he talked a lot about sex, and somehow I'm just fine with it because I love him. Instead, I also stubborn as a Asian woman, not only Korean man who has that bad temper, and he can endure well too, he said that "우리가 노력 많아~ ^^".
What I want to say is, we all the same, as a human, has basic humility and nature. Acts depend on where you live and grow up, that will construct your personality.